Thursday, December 6, 2018


Every year, during the holiday season, I do this dumb thing where I find the worst possible Christmas-centric TV movies. I often get loaded on bourbon, and try to learn all about the meaning of the holidays. It is a stupid activity and I don't really enjoy it, but sometimes you do things to keep from staring into the abyss. 

These are the reviews of those movies.

Image result for the princess switch
through the magic of special effects this actress was cloned. the clone was later incinerated 

(Disclaimer: I was sober when I watched this)

The last time I tried this experiment it was 2016 and I didn't get very far. Since then, we have entered the End Days, and every act seems futile and every good work diminished. All hope is like unto dust and ashes in our mouths. With that in mind, I turn around, and leap with both feet back into the apocalyptic waters of made-for-TV holiday movies. Why not, right?

In the time between right this moment, and my previous foray into this genre, the world has changed drastically. As a culture, we have accepted that the government will sometimes incarcerate migrant children after taking them from their parents. We will witness people posting regular memes about accepting Jesus into a manger while also hoping refugees get tear-gassed along the border. It's a terrible fucking world. Also, streaming service NETFLIX has decided to make their own awful holiday movies.

This is my first NETFLIX MFTVCHM (Made For TV Cornball Holiday Movie). The truth is that there is nothing really to say about it, because it's perfectly fine. It stars Vanessa Hudgens and she is charming and charismatic and yada yada. The rest of the cast is good, and there's no glaring failings in the script or the plot. If I was 8 and gave a shit about princesses, it would probably be my favorite christmas movie. It dips into many of the cliches that these movie roll around in, but it seems to do it knowingly. I can't really tell how self-aware or tongue-in-cheek it is, but if it was made entirely as a soft jab at your typical Hallmark Channel production, I might not be surprised.

Do I need to go into the plot? It's exactly what you expect. Not much to say here about surprise twists. Not much to say about anything, really. There's a magical Irish who keeps popping up. That's new. He's old and has crazy hair, and bells twinkle and shit when he says something portentous. (In my follow-up fan fiction he gets burned alive in a Wicker Man.) At one point, in an amazing bit of internal cross-marketing, the characters in this Netflix original movie log onto Netflix to watch a Netflix original movie. Worlds within worlds!

In short, everyone is attractive and charming. The plot is predictable and kind of dull, but engaging in a Cute-woman-switches-places-with-a-princess-and-they-both-learn-lessons-and-fall-in-love kinda way. There's nothing really terrible enough to make fun of. I got bored pretty quickly. The good news is that because this wasn't all that offensive, I am not going to burn myself out so quickly this year, drunkenly typing "FUCK THESE MOVEISSS" at one a.m., five days from now. This is better than that Mickey Mouse version of THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER which I saw for some reason when I was 14, but not as good as DEAD RINGERS, which I also saw at age 14, and also features an attractive person in dual roles, but with drug abuse and weird gynecology.

I rate this movie 7 out of 10 Melissa Joan Harts

the queen of terrible christmas movies... long live the queen

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