Wednesday, December 16, 2015


Because of my impeccable taste, for 353 days I watch only the most sophisticated and enriching of entertainments. But during the holiday season, I have made a tradition of finding the worst possible Christmas-centric TV movies (usually from the powerhouse film factory at the ABC FAMILY network), getting loaded on bourbon, and watching third-rate basic cable actors teach us all about the meaning of the holiday. These are the reviews of those movies.

merry christmas odo merry christmas keiko o'brien

This movie is super boring. I chalk that up to it being Canadian. Canada gets a lot of credit for KIDS IN THE HALL and SCTV, but those two shows are outliers, tight? To my mind, Canada still hasn't set the scales right for Anne Murray, DeGrassi Junior High, and movies like CHRISTMAS TOWN. Two classic shows is not enough.

Speaking of KIDS IN THE HALL, this movie stars Nicole de Boer in the role of the Fox. In this case, she's the workaholic brand of Fox, who doesn't have The Christmas Spirit. Will she find a hunk and have a good old fashioned non-threatening holiday adventure? You bet she will.

Nicole de Boer had a non-speaking and recurring role on KITH as the girlfriend of Bruce McCulloch's angsty teen character. She was great, and made memorable hay out of pouty glances.


She showed up again on DEEP SPACE NINE, playing Ezri Dax, a member of an alien race with a marginally interesting concept but a deadly dull execution. They had spots. 

DEEP SPACE NINE is a weird show. Many people love it so hard. I tried it again and again, and it was pretty thin soup, even after Avery Brooks shaved his head and grew a goatee. It's odd that it never blew up; the cast was perfectly good, and borderline great in many cases. The premise was terrific, and STAR TREK was a proven brand at that point. Was it the nonsense hokum alien religion business? Was it too heavy a focus on alien politics and bullshit of that nature? Did it totally lack any sense of bold adventure? The answer to all three is yes, of course, but we still tried to like it. We all did. 

De Boer showed up late in the series, replacing a character allegedly popular and well-loved, even though I can't remember her name, nor the actress who played her. (No, wait... Jadzia? I DID IT!) I recall her being dishwater, and all foxiness drowned out by the sexless wardrobe of the future and hair like a pentecostal teen bride. Did hardcore Trek people like this show? I feel like people say they do, although I can't put faces or names on such an opinion. I guess that was in the days before a billion genre shows on a billion options. There was basic cable and some garbage that had spaceships and we ate it all up. If we could all go back in time 15 years, would we say to our young person selves, "Dude! Just wait it out. You will be up all night for two years with a child who hates sleeping, and you can watch entire seasons of KOLCHAK THE NIGHT STALKER, at will, while your offspring sofly demands, half-awake, to watch DANIEL TIGER. There will be more nerd shit available to you than you will be able to process. Movies about robots or superheroes will come out that you not only don't see, you actively avoid them. Spend this time of youth doing more sex, and reading, and exercising BECAUSE YOU WILL GET FAT." 

Youth-person Alex would not listen to that advice. He would only want to know what DANIEL TIGER is and why he wasn't wearing a prophylactic device at a critical point in his future life. He will go ahead and buy a ticket someday to see a  FANTASTIC FOUR movie starring Dark Angel and The Commish. He will live his regrets no matter what advice he is given. Youth-person Alex was too starved for media that catered to his desires. This was an era where Spider man on film would only ever look like this:

It was a different time. 

We watched DEEP SPACE NINE. We knew who Ezri Dax was, and if our interests intersected with sketch comedy, we knew her face already. She was the surly girl who would break Bruce McCulloch's mullet-headed heart. She was a small part of a good world, and we gave her pass.

Then she was in CHRISTMAS TOWN and I didn't pay enough attention to write a real review. The End.

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