Sunday, December 13, 2015


Because of my impeccable taste, for 353 days I watch only the most sophisticated and enriching of entertainments. But during the holiday season, I have made a tradition of finding the worst possible Christmas-centric TV movies (usually from the powerhouse film factory at the ABC FAMILY network), getting loaded on bourbon, and watching third-rate basic cable actors teach us all about the meaning of the holiday. These are the reviews of those movies.


holy shit holy shit holy shit

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

I have found the gold standard. The high water mark. The Holy Grail. I don't want to oversell it, but this is the greatest Christmas movie ever made. I don'r even know where to start. This movie not only made me love horrible ABC Family productions, it made me love Christmas. It's as good as Tiny Tim not dying.

So. Let's start with the known formula. Horrible Christmas movies always have a Fox. This we have established. There is a foxy single lady who either can't find a guy, has a rich guy that's a dud, or has nobody and falls for a rich guy. There's not much in the middle. Rich guys and everyone else. That's the formula, and the Fox is usually an interior designer, or works in theater, or has some charming service industry job like Baker or Chef. In CHRISTMAS BOUNTY, the Fox is a Bounty Hunter. She comes from a family of bounty hunters. It's so fucking great I can't even stand it.

The Fox in question is named "Tory", which is short for (and I shit you not) TORNADO. She's a mixed martial artist and a small arms weapons expert. There's a lot of nonsense about how she left her life in Trenton to move to Manhattan, but that's just an excuse for an amazing subplot. Don't dwell on it. 

Tory is engaged to a rich guy from Manhattan who has no idea about her past and her crazy family of gun-toting, motorcycle-riding, bounty hunter bad-asses. Rich Guy is played by the dude who was Stan Halen (the world's most perfect frat guy) on that episode of WORKAHOLICS where they think they join a fraternity. He's amazing. AGAIN. 

The Fox has an ex who still works with her family as a bounty hunter, and he's played by a wrestler of note. Wrestling is stupid and it's a thing of stupid people, so I have no idea who this guy is, but he's perfectly great in this dumb movie as a beefcake that is still in love with the fox. AND WHO COULD BLAME HIM. This may be the best Fox of all Christmas movie foxes, and that includes Melissa Joan Hart you guys. Tori dresses in disguise as a standard "Jersey girl" type for much of this movie, and much like Olivia Newton John in the last five minutes of GREASE, it's hard to argue with.

This thing has gunfights. Stake-outs. A bad guy who eats spaghetti and lobster while he waits for a shoot-out. The fox's mom has enormous breasts and this is a plot point and also a character trait. Her dad refuses to wear sleeves. There is enough discussion about Jersey versus Manhattan that I started to believe this movie was actually about class politics and regional socio-cultural divides. Then, as soon as I started thinking that, there would be hand-to-hand combat between a Fox in tight clothes, and what I assume is another professional wrestler of note. I wanted to cry, I was so happy. 

This movie is great. I am at a loss for words, to be honest. It's my new favorite Christmas movie and I don't want to type anymore because I want everyone to experience it fresh. NO SPOILERS you assholes.

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