Saturday, December 12, 2015


Because of my impeccable taste, for 353 days I watch only the most sophisticated and enriching of entertainments. But during the holiday season, I have made a tradition of finding the worst possible Christmas-centric TV movies (usually from the powerhouse film factory at the ABC FAMILY network), getting loaded on bourbon, and watching third-rate basic cable actors teach us all about the meaning of the holiday. These are the reviews of those movies.

hey that's some great photoshop guys way to go

Well, here we go.

Last year, I didn't make it more than 5 nights. These fucking movies broke me.

This year, I'm gonna make this dumb project happen to itself.


Maybe I don't want to try this again.

A CHRISTMAS KISS has the rare distinction of starring someone I went to high school with. She has had a nice career and works regularly. I would assume she is well-respected, and she has had numerous gigs that lead me to believe she is talented. All I know is that this is the first time I have seen her in any meaningful way since 1991, when I was a freshman with awesome hair, and she was a senior riding a mountain bike in a bikini top and tiny jean shorts. Let's just put this disparity of circumstance out on the table; I will never forget that image, and she had no idea that I was anything other than white noise vaguely shaped like a human. Adolescence is funny.

This movie was directed by John Stimpson, which sounds like a made-up name. It's the kind of name that I may use if I ever need to hide from a court summons. Mr. Stimpson had his work cut out for him, considering that most of this movie is set in an elevator. Looking at his IMDB, it seems he has directed a few horror movies. I dunno. He seems like a cool guy. Let's not judge the guy because he took a job and tried his best. I bet his horror movies are pretty good.

The lead is a slightly awkward Fox, as they always are in these goddamn movies. She falls for her sexy employer's fiancee, blah blah blah. The sexy employer is an asshole, the guy looks like a Max Headroom person, blah blah blah. The Fox has "wacky" roommates, she is secretly talented, and she knows the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS, which is always hanging out in the movies, like the Holy Spirit, waiting to consume sinners and shit.

The problem is that the romantic object here is a character actor shoved into a bad lead actor suit. According to IMDB, he portrayed "Communication Officer" in X-MEN: FIRST CLASS. Remember him? Of course not. He was there to deliver exposition and fade away into a green screen background while the plot slams forward. He did a great job! I'm trying to be nice tonight. I feel bad for the people in this movie, to be honest. I mean, fuck, they got a paycheck, they got a credit, they probably made some nice career and human connections. Maybe they went on to work on one of John Stimpson's horror movies! I wish them all the best. I really do.

I really hate this thing, but I'm watching it, and seeing working actors really doing their best to make a forgettable TV movie watchable. And they maybe aren't winning that fight. There's lots of deeply stupid shit going on, and I'm starting to feel bad that I decided to do this again, this thing where I watch these horrible movies while I get drunk. It's a horribly silly waste of time. I have a daughter, for god's sake. I could be building her a doll-house or some shit like that. I could be painting. I could be practicing the banjo. I could be jerking off. I could be doing ANYTHING rather than trying to write something entertaining about this garbage movie. This is not a way a grown man should spend an evening. This is a way to kick-start a shame spiral. This is a way to look down a barrel of a proverbial shotgun, while you position a spiritual toe on the metaphorical trigger. I did not want this to be my life. I hate christmas, I hate the internet, and fuck, you guys, I hate typing.

What brought me here? Why would I do this to myself? Last year at least I watched movies where THE FOX was sexy and the Handsome Love Interest was charismatic, and other positive stuff, if you dig hard enough. This is just a series of bad songs stringing together scenes that give me no pleasure of any sort. YOU CAN SEE THE MAKE-UP ON THE LEAD ACTOR. THESE SONGS ARE HORRIBLE. THOSE DESIGNS FOR HIS HOLIDAY PARTY THAT SHE'S SO PROUD OF ARE AMATEURISH DOGSHIT. There is no pleasure in watching this. All joy turns to ashes in my mouth.

The works of Shakespeare and Dickens come up a lot in this movie. The two leads fall for each other by quoting Shakespeare, and then the Fox is SUPER IMPRESSED that the dude has the complete work of ye olde Bard in his house. Because that is so hard to come by. He also has an original edition of A CHRISTMAS CAROL in his home, which is the most important item he says he owns. This leads the Fox to decorate his home for a party, based on that novella. (This is all part of a plot, which I can't bring myself to discuss). So, you might think that a Dickens theme for a party would design itself. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT. All she does is hang some garland. I hate this movie. I hate that it's making me think about what a Dickens Christmas Party would look like, because the answer is every fucking other bad Christmas TV movie.  

Here's a question. The Fox just said, in discussing IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, that she cries every time Clarence gets his wings. Now, do people cry because Clarence got his wings? Or do we cry because we've seen a man stare down suicide on the worst day of a hard life, and we see all of his regrets and failures go away for just a moment, when his neighbors and friends make sure he has the cash he needs, and his life doesn't implode, if only for one more day. Did anyone watch IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE before they referenced it in this movie? Or were they just typing words for actors to say out loud?

This is a movie about a successful but cruel lady who loses her fiancee to her assistant, who is not talented or interesting. (Her roommate says she is "a gifted designer- those designs came from your heart." Well, the heart is shitty at interior design, if that's the case.) This movie is a bummer to watch. The villain is way sexier than the lead, and while the actors behave like humans, they are responding to stimuli that does not compute in the actual world. I can't even keep typing. I am not enjoying myself. This is not a good time. This is not fun anymore. This is a cry for help you guys.

1 comment:

Garry W Shores said...

Bwwwaahahahahahaha, strong work.