Sunday, February 27, 2011

ALKA-SELTZER (in three parts)



1. I have discovered a thing. No one before me has known it. I have found it all by myself, and I am the first person to bring it down from the mountain. The world started the day I was born and ends at the edge of my vision. I discovered this thing all on my own. I deserve a medal or a ribbon. Someone get me my medal. Or ribbon.


2. Dear Planet Earth. I am angry that you waited until I was 34 before you let me know the benefits of the product Alka-Seltzer. I am so mad at you over this. I blame you. Even though this product has been popular for decades, and has one of the catchiest and most famous jingles of the television era, it has never occurred to me that this is something I should buy and use with regularity. There are too many people on this planet for there to be an excuse. Every time I woke up with a headache and a tummyache, someone should have told me there was an answer. Someone should have told me. This should be common knowledge. There is a fundamental flaw in the universe that this miracle cure for all-that-ails-you was not given to me sooner. So many wasted years...

3. When you are the type of person that drinks too much and eats too much, chances are that you feel like shit at least a few hours daily. Rich food and strong drink are the enemies of delicate human machines. Being a model of sobriety and healthy living, I only know of this second-hand, but it seems many people, after a night of libation, have salved themselves with an early morning cocktail of mylanta, pepto bismol, advil, aspirin, coffee, and several pints of water. This is breakfast, when you live a horrible lifestyle. Or so I have heard. I wouldn't know first-hand. I have healthiness.

Apparently, Alka-Seltzer has been around for decades, but no one bothered to tell me about it until the last six months (see number 2). So it seems that there have been entire decades of drunks and reprobates who have soothed the wounds of a long night's revelry with a familiar plop-plop and fizz-fizz. I was surprised and delighted to also find that this product can also help people with clean, sin-free lives. It just makes you feel good, no matter how deep in the devil drink you may wallow.

Without doing any research at all, I have determined that Alka-Seltzer is aspirin or something, with a magic potion that makes it fizzy. It turns water into something that smells like a YMCA, and tastes like hospital. I encourage everyone to keep a few tablets stowed on the old utility belt. Whether you are in the murky, pukey haze of a hangover, or maybe just after eating a jalapeno and sauerkraut sandwich, Alka-Seltzer has been getting pudgy middle-aged dudes through the working day since the 1700s*.

Alka-Seltzer is awesome.




*right?

5 comments:

The Dog Hunter said...

It IS awesome. I am 42 and just recently started using it. I yearn for the big "100" count jars my grandfather had. I always wondered why he took it all the time. It makes me rest so comfortably.

Take it people! Dont be a fool and wait like we did. Damnit! Alka Seltzer for president!

Alex! said...

It's crazy ... I wonder what other old school cures are out there that we don't know that we should be using...

lisa said...

Well, apparently 'alkalizing for health' is not new at all! i think this is why my gramps and other beloved geezers who too special 'juice' to bed to help them sleep that I wasn't ever allowed to taste lived so long! This very well may be what Ponce de Leon came to, well, wherever he actually came to, for. The fountain of youth. Alkalized water and some willow bark. I am 52 and bitter now because I have only just discovered the truth. I raise my fizzy glass to you Gramps, Ponce and WOA.

Matthew Schultz said...

"Without doing any research at all I have determined..." Hahaha, that's awesome. Just took two myself and am realizing how awesome it is.

Lea Curley said...

Found it about a year ago! And yup now I know why my grandparents had so much of it!