Sunday, January 2, 2011

KING KONG



This is what we know about Kong:

1. He is worshiped and feared by a tribe of natives who regularly sacrifice women to him.
2. He lives in a mountain that looks like a skull.
3. He fights and kills dinosaurs. The mighty Tyrannosaur is nothing to Kong. Kong will fight him and kill him. Kong takes no shit from Tyrannosaur.
4. Kong is the Eighth Wonder... of the Woooorld!
5. When Kong strips a woman naked, he pauses to sniff her clothes before discarding them.
6. The top of the Empire State Building is just a place to hang out. Kong takes no shit from acrophobia.
7. Kong is neither man nor beast.
8. When Kong goes on a rampage, he bites peoples' heads off. And stomps them into the mud. Kong takes no shit from pacifism.
9. He wins in a one-on-one tango versus a military biplane.
10. More than one military biplane, however, and he is in trouble.

This is what we don't know about Kong:

1. Everything else.

There have been many iterations of Kong, but none beat the original. Willis O'Brien created a stop-motion puppet in 1932 that is arguably the best special effect in motion picture history. Every Kong since has either been a guy in a monkey suit or a computer generated gorilla that makes you sad with his emotions.

I don't need emotions with my giant monsters. All I need is carnage, and terror, and dead dinosaurs. That's what you get with the King Kong of 1933. He takes no shit from emotions.

King Kong is awesome.

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