Tuesday, July 3, 2007


In honor of Independence Day, I give you the Top Five things associated with the American Way of Life. Do you love freedom? Do you REALLY love freedom? Would you make love to freedom? From behind, with tears in your eyes? If so, you may keep reading.

FIVE: Apple Pie
The cliche is "baseball, mom, and applie pie", right? Well, baseball sucks and some people's moms are commies. So that leaves apple pie. Delicious, delicious applie pie. It's made with apples! Straight from Johnny Appleseed's dirty hippie pocket to your mouth! I wish I had some right now. Even a Hostess Fruit Pie would do. Those are pretty good as well. God bless America.

Joe adds: Apple pie is one of those things that when I see it, I'm underwhelmed by it, but when I taste it, I remember the glory that it truly is. That's like some kind of weird superpower, making me forget how good it is all the time. Or I'm retarded.

FOUR: Old Timey Country
People will tell you that jazz or the blues is the great American music. Have you ever tried to listen to that crap? It's for french people and 1950's Greenwich Village nerds. The best thing about Jazz are those tapes of Buddy Rich yelling at his band. For American music that will make you cry tears of sorrowful joy, you need look no further than the high lonesome sounds of Appalachia. Banjos, folks. Banjos.

Joe: Hank senior (pictured above) is an American hero because he played amazing music, inspired everyone else that ever came after him, and drank himself to an early death. No retirement woes or fighting over mortgages for Hank! Just the sweet oblivion found in the bottle. That's the America I dream of.

THREE: The Colonel
Fast food is disgusting and evil and whatever, but every once in a while there's just nothing better than slamming back a bucket full of the Colonel. It kind of sucks that our beautiful country is dotted with identical shitty restaurants like an Irishmen is dotted with freckles, but it's also kind of rad to be able to pop into a burger joint and eat until you want to die for under 12 dollars. I'm not a particular fan of KFC, but I thought it was a nice representative choice of crappy fast food that you sometimes crave.

Joe: You know what's shockingly tasty? White Castle. I avoided that stuff all my life, even when I actually ate fast food. But there's one right next to my local bar, and the inevitable eventually happened as I stumbled through the haze of steamed onion smell. You can't have very many, even if they are small, but damn they are tasty.

TWO: Slacking
Is there any greater American past-time than sitting on your ass? Add some beer, and some junk food, and maybe a nap, and you have the Sport of Democracy. It's getting to the point in this Brave New World of ours where it's almost expected that people will slack away for a full decade, sometime between high school and the first baby-makin'. The best slacking comes from a serious lack of the will to live, which modern American culture can beat into you with savage ferocity. Yeseterday, for example, I worked for a few hours, then took a pointless bike ride, swam in a pool, took a nap, then played D&D all night while eating take-out and drinking beer. Could I have achieved such glorious slackitude if i had any self-repect at all? Thanks a lot, American-way-of-life!

Joe: You played D&D without me? Oh, that's right. I had to get ready for my vacation in Maine (AWESOME ENTRY TO COME!!!). Vacations are only fun when it's just a new venue of slack. Now if my goddam wife could learn how to drive I'd be in business.

ONE: Comic Books
The greatest art form yet achieved by mankind.

(On a slightly related note Superman is the greatest living American, even if he can't be president (immigrant).)

Joe: (Sorry, Charlie Brown, you're a distant second.)


Alex! said...

PEANUTS transcends Americana...

Charlie Brown gets an Awesome Entry of his own someday.

Bill Reed said...

White Castle is my favorite fast food, even if it's deadly.

Last time I was in Jersey, I bought one of those Crave Cases-- a cardboard briefcase filled with tiny hamburgers. It was like heaven in a box.

The Colonel is also pretty cool in my book. There's one KFC which has White Castle sized chicken sandwiches called "Chicken Littles," and they're what the kids would call "the shit."

Dan said...

Slacking! Yay!