Tuesday, June 19, 2007

TUESDAY TOP FIVE: World Conquerers

A quick list from me this week... No time for love, Doctor Jones.

FIVE: LRRR OF OMICRON PERSEI VIII

Lrrr sometimes uses "human horn" aphrodisiac to mate with his queen, and is a fan of the television show "Single Female Lawyer". He also ate a hippie once.

Joe sez: Why this got cancelled and the Simpsons labors on in almost Family Guy levels of awfulness is beyond me.

FOUR: ERNST STAVRO BLOFELD

Never actually conquered the world, but came awfully close. His initial reveal in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is truly classic; it's the cinematic equivalent of seeing a girl from behind with a really sweet ass, only to have her turn around and reveal spectacular breasts as well.

Joe: One might think the Dr. Evil parody would kind of permanently ruin the genius of Blofeld. But that one would be completely wrong, and rather turdly. Blofeld transcends parody, all the while extinguishing the lives of less competent henchmen and stroking a cute putty tat.

THREE: DARKSEID

The ruler of Apocolypse, whose mission in life is finding the "anti-life equation". That, and enslaving the known universe. Created by The King, Jack Kirby, in his prime.

Joe: Fuck you, Thanos, you goddam prune-looking asshole! This is the real deal here. He doesn't shoot lasers out of his eyes. No, for Darkseid you've got to have a power name more regal and unique. Darkseid is better than lasers. Darkseid has the OMEGA EFFECT!!!!

TWO: KHAN

A genetic superman who ruled the earth in 1992. After being defeated by James Kirk, he quotes Milton at him. Awwwww yeah.

Joe: If Khan and Roy Batty from Blade Runner ever hung out, that would be the coolest, classiest couple of bad-guys-that-would-probably-make-the-world-better-if-they-ruled-it EVER. They would say stuff that the rest of us didn't really understand and laugh in a gentle way that doesn't make us feel ashamed. Why won't they take over now? (Unfortunately in writing this I have unwittingly given some awful nerd fan fiction writer an idea that will culminate with stilted descriptions of what he/she imagines gay sex to be like.)

ONE: MING THE MERCILESS

The original Alien Overlord, Ming ruled Mongo with an iron fist. It's almost as if you could say he had no mercy. Max Von Sydow played him in the crappy FLASH GORDON movie... Take that, Bergman!

Joe:
Did I read somewhere that someone was making a new Flash Gordon show? As long as they keep Ming awesome, they will be A-OK.

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