A new feature, here at the WORLD OF AWESOME... The TUESDAY TOP FIVE.
We'll pick something awesome, and then count down the Top Five Examples of said awesome item.
This week we start with TIME MACHINES. Time Machines are hard to beat; they take you back (or forward) in time, typically with a lot of flashing lights and flipping of switches. If I could go back in time, I wonder if my mom would try to seduce me, ala Marty McFly. I actually don't wonder that at all. My mom was a sexy little vixen, and she would totally ignore me.
But I can live with that.
NUMBER FIVE: The Time Machine
H.G. Wells wrote about a Time Traveler who went into the future and fought morlocks and banged one of the morlocks' sexy livestock. His machine was a marvel of proto-Steampunk luxury, with a a big velvety chair surrounded by filament tubes and spinning dials. It stays in the same spot while the world whizzes by in fast-forward or reverse. You can just sit back and relax, and dream about all that delicious Eloi lovin' you'll get, just by being the only male that isn't afraid of fire.
AWOL sez:Proto steampunk? I thought Wells was kind of the definition of steampunk.
Anyway, I had this heavily abridged kids version of The Time Machine when I was a kid, and for some reason it scared the bejeezus out of me.
The only other thing I remember about it? The Eloi were fascinated by pockets. Pockets? How retarded are they that they couldn't think of pockets?
Joe sez:I used to sit on my Sit and Spin and pretend it was the time machine. H.G. Welles never mentioned the debilitating vertigo and nausea I experienced, but he was probably just censored.
NUMBER FOUR: Doctor Doom's Time Platform
This is how incredible Doctor Doom is. He built a time machine, but rather than use it to conquer us all, he just uses it to annoy the Fantastic Four. He doesn't need a time machine to rule the world. Time machines are but a trifle to DOOM!
AWOL: There was a totally awesome one-shot comic where Iron Man and Dr. Doom get transported back to the days of King Arthur's court, where they have to team up to kick Morgana leFay's ass. Time travel and sexy femme fatale sorceresses? Awesome squared.
Also to get back, they have to wire their respective armors together. How sweet is that? The only thing better than a time machine is an ad hoc time machine.
Joe:I also love that it's basically a flat square with some buttons on it. Doom does not care for baroque design.
NUMBER THREE: The Guardian of Forever
Remember when Bones goes all crazy and paranoid and jumps into the portal and it shows them cowboys and Hitler and then Spock has to hide his ears and then Joan Collins dies and Kirk cries like a big baby? I love that shit.
AWOL: Trek+Nazis = Awesome
Plus, didn't Harlan Ellison write this?
Joe: The Ellison thing is actually a count against it . . .but anything that remains awesome after Harlan touches it truly deserves this ranking.
NUMBER TWO: The Tardis
Time And Relative Dimensions In Space.
With all the talk of "relative dimensions", you'd think the Tardis would do a bit more than dangle from a string in front of a black backdrop when it's flying. Chintzy special effects aside, the Time Lords of Gallifrey designed themselves some pretty nifty little tesseracts to take a spin in.
AWOL: I always thought that the best thing about the Tardis was that despite all the time traveling/relative dimensions/regeneration crap, the doctor could never fix the shapechanging thingamjig. I mean, come on, how hard could it be?
NUMBER ONE: The Delorean
This one isn't much of a contest. As Dr. Emmett Brown says, "...if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?". Between the rad eighties vibe, the nuclear engine, and the Flux Capacitor, how can anything else compete?
We've had the Delorean listed in our "Always Awesome" sidebar since Day One, and the recent pop-culture cross-referencing in KNOCKED UP serves to remind us all; if you want to go back in time, you need 1.21 jigowatts, and you have to hit 88 miles per hour.
The Delorean flies, has a Mr. Fusion appliance, and personalized tags. Doc Brown cheated Libyans out of their plutonium to get things started. He promised he'd make them a bomb... Ha! Yes my friends, where we're going, we don't need roads.
AWOL: Why is the Delorean so cool? Not because is can go fast, it has to go fast. Just because.
Also, I use the term "flux capacitor" at work in the same way that John Pertwee used the term "reverse the polarity".
Joe: Also for a while it worked on rails, and things on rails are automatically awesomer. And who hasn't sometimes pretended that his car could turn the wheels in and fly? I'll tell you who hasn't: some sick, evil jerk.
*The Legion of Superheroes Time Bubble
*Bill and Ted's Phone Booth
*This thing: AWOL: and this thing:
Detail of text at top:
*Getting hit on the head really hard