Friday, June 22, 2007


Coffee helps me wake up in the morning. Coffee helps me poop. For those things alone, it wins a gold medal and the Noble Prize for best Movie Ever.

I used to not drink coffee at all, but then I helped my dad refurbish an old house for six months, and coffee became like unto a needle drug. He would wake me up at five-thirty or six, and we would go get biscuits with country ham somewhere cheap, and wash them down with disgusting, bitter, black coffee.

Then he would make a pot of coffee, and we would go to work with cups of coffee sitting close at hand. Then we would have another pot of coffee with lunch. Then I would get the shakes mid-afternoon and want to die. This was a daily ritual.

I drank my coffee black because that's how my dad did it. It wasn't something I was drinking because I liked the taste; I was drinking it so I didn't pass out from exhaustion. I'm one of those people that needs like, ten or eleven hours of sleep each night. Waking up early does not suit me. So coffee was like a foul, liquid energy source and nothing else. Creamer was meaningless!

Presently I like a little cream in my coffee, and I only have a few cups in the morning. I'm glad it's not a staple of my day anymore. I used to wake up, and the first thing i would think about was getting coffee. It was my immediate priority when my eyes opened. That's a pretty sad state of affairs considering I didn't even like the taste. I could maybe handle wanting ice cream first thing every morning, it's delicious. But the coffee I was drinking back then was an inky gas station drip that tasted like salty motor oil. That's not an addiction to be proud of.

My preferred poison lately is the Chock Full o' Nuts Hazelnut. I am no coffee snob, and I like this blend because of the packaging and the ad jingle. There are some great coffee shops in Park Slope (a favorite is MULE), and I will often sample their wares. Good coffee is quite tasty, and whenever I drink a really great cup of it, I think, "I should get this every morning! It's terrific!". But I'm lazy, and I end up going to the nearest deli instead. Whatever!


Dick Hyacinth said...

I've been drinking a lot of Folger's this summer, usually boiled all day long in a giant percolator. Two cups of it and I'm (a) feeling a lot better about being a coffee snob, and (b) feeling a sense of despair roughly like being in an elevator with freshly cut cords, descending to the earth at a somewhat disconcerting speed.

Dan said...

Your two big reasons for loving coffee also apply to cigarettes for me.

Also, they both stain your teeth. And make you have to pee. And make your weiner bigger.

It's a fact.

Alex! said...

"Coffee Anxiety" is on eof the most horrible feelings in the world.

Wednesday morning while we're waiting on the new comics, my partner and I will just sit and drink coffee until one of finally says "oh jeez- I feel like I'm gonna die."

She's pals with a coffee shop down the street and they brew it strong and stout. It's HARDCORE, DOOD.