Saturday, April 21, 2007

CAT BURGLARS

Once I met this French dude with a pencil mustache, who called himself Le Gold Fox. He was wearing a tuxedo and smoking a silk cut cigarillo, and had black gloves on with a white dinner jacket.

He told me he had just arrived in New York from the Riviera, and he snorted a quick laugh when he saw the newspaper headline "OPERA DIVA'S DIAMONDS STOLEN!"

Then he looked at me and said, "I must tell someone my story, so zee world may never forget Le Gold Fox! It is true that I have stolen zees diamonds.... and many more in my life! Born in Algiers, and orphaned to zee streets, my career in crime started early; picking pockets, confeedence games, learning to crack safes. In a few years I was zee greatest lock-peeker in zee world! All of France slept with ones eye open, never knowing when I would climb in zayr windows at night, and make away with zayr jewels and francs!

But I am not a common and petty thief. Zis money, I use it to support an orphanage in Calcutta, where zee poor urchins of zat filthy hell-hole will never have to resort to a life of sin and deespair. Zee idle rich and zayr family fortunes; it is they who I prey upon! With my grapples and silken ropes, I avoid zayr alarms, moving silently in the night, cutting glass with diamonds and vanishing like a weesper."

Then, I heard an explosion, and looked away. When I turned around again, he was gone.


He was pretty cool, but really, between Catwoman and David Niven in THE PINK PANTHER, Cat Burglars have been ranking on the upper end of the awesome chart since the sixties.

I want to marry a cat burglar. She can teach our children
useful things, like how to escape manacles, and how to hold their breath for eight minutes, and how to hang from a wire without making any noise.

She will vanish for weeks at a time, but then return with big piles of cash we will roll around on naked. We make sweet, sweet love on the big pile of cash, and I notice a scar on her side, but she presses a finger to my lips before I can say a word... I must never ask about her work.

The only problem is finding form-fitting black jump-suits for the kids.

1 comment:

Leslie McCombs said...

I like you! I'm having such a good time!